My heart hurts

My heart cant take the pain I’m in.

My eyes burn from all the crying.

My hands shake from my nerves being put through hell

My head is wanting to explode from all these thoughts that I can’t say out loud .

My stomach is tied in knots from all this anger.

The anger that is from the pain you are causing that you don’t even know your causong.

I lay here in the shower and just let more tears fall I can’t stop them they just keep coming

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I don’t know

Today I told the doctor I needed meds for my anxiety. I told them a lot of personal things I was so sceard telling them because I thought they would admit me to the mental hospital. My whole life I fought anxity the older I get the worse it gets but what of this makes it worse. They said does bipolar run in your family I saidy mom has it well if you are this medicine will make it worse so freaking out it’s supposed to be the safest one tho but so sceard that it won’t work I’m afraid that it will change me and I’m afraid I’m.change so much I’m lose my boyfriend even tho I know I won’t I have anxiety about having anxiety and getting on meds I tod my boyfriend about me starting meds and he he said yay he’s happy that I’m trying I just don’t know if this is the right move I’m so afraid of starting meds but I know it’s just me over thinking my anxiety is getting so bad that I want to push the most important ones away and my mom has to make sure I don’t do that I can’t lose my boyfriend if I do I don’t know what I would do he is the best thing that has ever happened to me I’m just go panic about panicking about having anxiety and getting help for it what is worng with me I’m drive myself crazy why is my anxiety so bad it’s never been so bad o have had over five attacks in less then a week why can’t I just be normal and if I can’t be normal why don’t god call me home and take me out of this world.

I hate this feeling

I can’t take this my anxiety is making me go crazy it making feel like I’m better off dead or better off alone and to shut down I’m trying to fight it the best I can but it’s so hard right now like it’s going to cause me to push things away people away I don’t know how much more I can take I’m going to see about getting on some meds but right now I just want to sleep and turn my phone off but at same time I’m trying not to do that because if I do that be giving anxity the chance of winning and I don’t want to do that I want these thoughts to go away I don’t want to push people away I really don’t but sometimes I wish I was normal why did I have to be born why did I have to get anxity and why do I feel in the way I came so close to telling my boyfriend that he can leave me and that I’m sorry for being in his way I need to go talk to my therapist but she won’t be back until January and she set me up with this other lady and IDK if I can open up to her I just don’t know anymore I really need my vape but it’s broke and I don’t want to keep smoking cigarettes but I need something to stop these thoughts

I’m giving up

All these years saying I get over it it pass I don’t need help. I give up anxity you won you won this fight. Anxity thanks to you I can’t go out to eat with out panic I can’t eat with out worry. Anxity I thought I was doing good over coming you but really I think it’ just getting worse the crying the panicking I can’t do this I hope your happy anxiety I’m go get on meds something I never wanted to do I wanted to fight this and keep talking to the lady but I can’t take this so it’s time to just let the drs drug me more drug me more so I’m just numb where I don’t have any feeling I mean why do I need to feel anyway let me just go get on meds and get where I don’t know how to live without them I mean isn’t that the way anyway

Pain that won’t go away

Im tired as my heart achs. Im trying to hold back these tears as they fall the more I try and hold them back the more my heart achs. My heart achs because I can’t stand up to you about my self I have to sit back and get treated like im nothing. Part of me just wants to scream at you in your face and tell you that im not going to take this hate your giving me. The other parts wants to scream at you for all the things you did to my sister. The part of me achs because I feel like you treating me like this is going to ruin me and my relationship. I ache because I have all this anger towerds you that I can’t do nothing so I take it out on my sister I don’t talk to her no more. You broke a bond that I thought no one could break I hope your your happy because I feel like she is choosing you over her health and froends. She talks so much about how she isn’t happy but don’t do nothing about it when she can. I bring it up to her about how you hate me she lies and says you don’t that you love me and that’s all you talk about when I know it’s not true Justen tells me what you say so why do you lie to me sis why do you do this I thought you would be honest but you changed and become like him and for that I lost my sister. My sister who I thought I could trust you but you let me down like most people do your not my best friend your just becoming someone I don’t know or don’t want to know so I hope your happy because you just lost me as a sitter im tired of not being able to stand up for myself. Im tired thinking of the sis I once had o guess it’s true you choose him over my feelings this pain won’t go away and you lost me as a best friend and sister hope your happy. So as you fake your love I will be crying to have you back crying because I can’t scream crying because you just lost me and you don’t even know it your losing me more and more you say you miss the talking but yet you never say anything and I just push you away that should tell you something but you don’t carw you complain but yet don’t do nothing so im over it and not feeling sorry for u you lost me for good

The dark

I see the light but the dark pulls me back the more I reach for the light the more I fall back in the dark I dig and dig for ligbt. The more I dig for light the more I fall deeper in the dark. I see light but the dark pulls me back. the more I reach for the light the more I fall back in the dark I dig and dig for ligbt. The more I dig for light the more I fall deeper in the dark. Im in this hole. This hole that the more I try and dig myself out the deeper I go I don’t think I will ever get out of this hole my mind trys to go for postive thought but it just goes deeper and deeper in the dark hole. This hole that the more I try and dig myself out the deeper I go I don’t think I will ever get out of this hole my mind trys to go for postive thought but it just goes deeper and deeper in the dark.

Gone

Your gone but your really not all that gone. These bad memories you caused still float at the top of my head. Part of me is saying your better off the other is saying what if you just kept going alone with the pain. You see I’m happy but these flashback of you and me and what you did to me won’t go away. When you called me from that blocked number I had panic attacks so bad that my mom stayed with me I was shaking do you not see what you did to me. So this goes to you

You lied I apologized. You did worng I apologized. I did what you wanted just to get hurt . Your gone but these bad memories still float at the top saying what if you didn’t leave what if you didn’t stand up to the asshoke. I try and snap back to happy memories but I just fall right back into that deep hole you put me in. I just want these memories to fade to go away I want you to stop contorlling me I want these bad memories to go away why did you do this why are you doing this will this ever stop