Hurting

I don’t know what to do anymore I just don’t know I say I’m do this I’m do that but yet I just sit in my room trying not to cry thinking it’s just me overthinking but yet I should know better this isn’t healthy at all but yet I let you sit here and control everything and I just go along with it I really don’t know what to do when I got that text then the snap that should be telling me something but I’m just a dumbass who gets attached to people easy I believe people when I shouldn’t I trust when I have reason not to trust I stay even tho I’m being walked all over ignored like I’m not even here lied to and I can’t stand it but yet here I am saying it’s just me he’s not like the rest but really when my friends talk about finding someone and posting about that someone kinda hurts I want to feel that with someone I want to be able to tell people about who I’m with I want to care for someone and then care for me back is that wrong and right now all I’m feeling is hurt and pain and confusion and my friend is talking about someone she met and it kinda hurts does this make me a bad person why am I crying this is so stupid it’s not only this it’s everything I just don’t think I can keep going on with everything right now I think it’s best if I just try and focus on happiness I’m sorry for this post

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VTreat me like a kid when I’m not

I have never acted my age I was taught to grow up at a young age so when I say this I mean now that I am an adult and I’m very responsible for my age and I help my mom out when I can she still treats me like a kid and I don’t know how much I can take it I know she means well but I’m feeling suffocated like I want to go do things on my own but she always goes with me and now I can’t drive by myself what was the point of getting my license if I can’t go my sister and brother in law think i need to be able to drive on my own but no I have to go with my stupid step grandpa that I don’t even like their are many reason why I don’t like him so why am I being forced to do this I’m 18 and he will not drive my car So they best just back up and and let me be me keeping me in this bible is driving me crazy I broke down and cried that’s how bad I just want to go drive by myself or just get away I love my mom but she needs to stop treating me like a kid she keeps this up she’s going to lose me for good And I mean it because the more I feel trapped the more I’m push people away and shut down I love my mom but she need to stop treating me like a kid words I never wanted to say to her I had to she needs to know that she’s the parent not other people so when people talked behind my back like they did today it pissed me off so yeah tell my mom it’s up to her but then yet you go behind my back and talk to my uncle to get your stupid way that’s really low and I will be a rude because I’m tired of getting treated like s kid my mom is losing our friendship because of how childish I get treated I just want her to know I’m not s kid so to my grandma husband can back off

School

First day was today I go I sit I look at all my books and all my pages I have to do today I look around to see that all the old kids and my great friend has left I see that we have only five kids as I sit their and listen to my teacher go over the same rules like she does every year and to tell us that we will be getting out at one from now on my mind starts to wonder on how am I going to do this how am I going to survive this year without my friends I try to focus on my teachers talking but I just can’t my mind keeps drifting into deep thought but I zone back in to the words go to work so I start marking my goals and try to keep my mind straight as I get my mind straight I pick up my physical science book I open I start to read and think and feel in but yet I’m so lost and not understanding this at all not wanting to ask for help I say five hours on this page that I have so much homework as I stand and wait for my ride I start to think what if I just drop out my last year of high school theirs no way I can do this much work I sit at the bar thinking trying but I just don’t understand the more my mom try’s to explain the more I have a nervous break down and I start to cry and she ask if it’s because I haven’t slept or if I have had gotten back on the phone real late no do you not see what happens when school starts it makes me break down and my teacher making me take physical science and two maths and English and science and social all at once is going to make me do nothing but break down and cry how can a student do this much work it starts I wish I was just smart and do this but no my teacher had to lie and say I’m take u out of this math just do it on the pc yet to find out now I have to take two maths at once I’m go crazy so yeah I hate school anyone else ?

So nervous I’m worried

I’m worried when I walk through them door what will happy will their be new students or what will happen will their be new students will I have a new spot to sit at I’m so nervous it’s freaking me out that I’m getting where I can’t breath Bc I’m freaking out so bad I don’t know what I’m do and I forgot to paint my nails will they judge me for that or what i don’t know I’m thinking of everything possibly could go wrong I’m so tempted of telling my mom that I can’t do this and acting like my acid reflux is the reason man this social anxiety is going to kick my ass I know when I get to school I’m not going to know what to do I’m be shaking so bad that I probably won’t even be able to write I kinda just want to leave

To my father

Yeah I try to do good I try and I try but it never good enough for you and yet I do so much for you what kid should be taking care of their dad shouldn’t it be the other way around yes but it’s not to me giving you money since I was 12 but yet when I try and have a normal conversation and tell you what I want to do with my life I’m the stupid one who never makes good discussions it’s like you want me to ruin my life like you did but I’m prove you so wrong I’m be the best person I can be I’m be that emt I’m save I’m live my life and be happy I’m not going to let a dead beat father bring me down like you try seems like the more I’m doing good and happy the more you and my grandma try to bring me down so when I stood up and said I had to go and then just hung up on you should show you that I’m not going to take this crap I’m trying to get happy and back to me and you will not stop me

I miss my two friends

I’m filling really emotional because of school coming up it won’t be the same since a lot of people have left and we will only have four kids unless more signed up but I’m really emotional because I’m scared of what will happen when I put them uniforms back on and go through them doors I’m so scared of what my teachers and people will think but I’m also very sad because I won’t have my good friend their with me I’m miss him so much he was so annoying but I wouldn’t have it any other way he made you laugh when you didn’t want to even smile it seems like every time I go back I lose a friend last year it was my best friend and now it’s my great guy friend I’m so glad it’s my last year I know I have my other friend but it won’t be the same without I really will miss you I know you are in school and I kinda got it that you don’t like the new school thank you for all the days you were a pain in the ass although I might have acted mad or like I wanted to hurt you I didn’t you made school time go by fast I’m miss the pranks and jokes you pulled I miss the old us the me you and the bestie I remember that year when we were all in school together we laughed so hard you poured ice on me to throwing paint at me to getting a marker and writing on me to about making me fall out my chair to throwing ice at my friend to poking her and writing on her books sounds like an annoying person but we wouldn’t have it any other way we had some good laughs I will never forget that year I miss y’all so much and I’m not ready to walk back through them doors knowing y’all won’t be their I miss my two great friends

Why do you

Do you ever know your being lied to to your face but you just believe it anyway. Do you know that your better off with out that person in life but you keep them in your life even after all the pain they cause all the lies people say end it it’s not good for you but you say okay so you go to but you just cave into the lies mores and more and it just getting deeper into the lies that you don’t even care at this point you just believe whatever to keep this person in your life even tho they barely want to talk but hey they still want you around so you stay and wait for the text you know you won’t get yep that’s not good so why do it why stay is it because you don’t want to be alone feel alone what is it because your scared to say it sometimes we don’t know and sometimes the people around us don’t understand it so they start to get mad with you and just run out things to say so you start to get mad back and I’m scared my sister will make me choose between her and him and that’s when I don’t know what I’m do it be okay i know things happen for a reason but it kinda sucks