My dad breaks me

My mind is racing with these thoughts.

Why me why does he treat his own daughter like a peace of trash on the road that just gets kicked around. I ask this my self over and over. I try and try to be the kid he wamts but i just dont think he ever be happy with who i am. Im tired of living in the hell he has me in im tired of pleaseing him. I thought after one cut i be fine but once i took that blade to my wrist that night after two months i couldnt stop finally after doing it 8 times i threw the blade and said why am i.letting him do this to me why am i letting him hurt me so bad that i have to hurt my self.

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You say I say

You say : are you are?

I say: yeah I’m just tired

You: say oh ok

I say: why do you ask

You say: I was just wondering because you seem off

I say : no I’m just tired didn’t sleep well I’m take a nap in talk later

You say : okay text me when your awake

I say: I will but the truth is no I’m not ok I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling empty. Tired of feeling like I’m In the way. Tired of not knowing how I feel. My mind continues to go around and around it’s getting where I can’t keep up. These thoughts saying just go to sleep take another nap that’s all you can do is sleep. Sleep these thoughts away so I do I cave into these thoughts I sleep and when I wake up the thoughts are still there so I sleep more maybe only this time I won’t wake up and maybe this time I won’t wake up but who cares no one would miss me. I’m just so damn tired people want to talk to me but I don’t want to talk so I block them I’m pushing people away that I shouldn’t be pushing away . They say she has anger issues when really no I don’t I just tried of fighting so I gave in gave into my mind. My mind says shut down take a nap I do that my mind says your not going to talk today i say but I want to my mind says no you don’t you need to shut down and block them block your family your not loved they just being nice because they have to be so I give in I shut down I sleep and sleep and sleep I miss the old me the happy me but now I could care less if I woke up no I would never harm myself but damn I wish I would just take a nap and that be my last nap

Do they stop

Will you stop.

Stop texting me stop making fake accounts stop trying to ruin my life because you are not happy I didn’t stay with a cheating emotional abbusive person do you know the pain that I have to live with because of you the hate I have in my heart I have all these things I want to say to you but that won’t do no good im tired of getting pass and getting where I forget about you but when I do that’s when you come back with more drma more hate just get a life why do you have to do this black mail me make fake accounts try to break me and my boyfriend up why hack into my account when it’s not going to do nothing but make you more mad because you will never get me back you will never get anything from me and I be damn if you break me and my boyfriend up I’m tired of fighting this game it really sucks when you tell the police and all they say is we can’t do anything until he hits you I’m tired and I’m hurting all this fighting is killing me if that’s what you want then just kill me I’m donewant my Facebook have it want to control my life then here you go I don’t want to lose my boyfriend I love him but it don’t seem like your going to stop

My heart hurts

My heart cant take the pain I’m in.

My eyes burn from all the crying.

My hands shake from my nerves being put through hell

My head is wanting to explode from all these thoughts that I can’t say out loud .

My stomach is tied in knots from all this anger.

The anger that is from the pain you are causing that you don’t even know your causong.

I lay here in the shower and just let more tears fall I can’t stop them they just keep coming

I don’t know

Today I told the doctor I needed meds for my anxiety. I told them a lot of personal things I was so sceard telling them because I thought they would admit me to the mental hospital. My whole life I fought anxity the older I get the worse it gets but what of this makes it worse. They said does bipolar run in your family I saidy mom has it well if you are this medicine will make it worse so freaking out it’s supposed to be the safest one tho but so sceard that it won’t work I’m afraid that it will change me and I’m afraid I’m.change so much I’m lose my boyfriend even tho I know I won’t I have anxiety about having anxiety and getting on meds I tod my boyfriend about me starting meds and he he said yay he’s happy that I’m trying I just don’t know if this is the right move I’m so afraid of starting meds but I know it’s just me over thinking my anxiety is getting so bad that I want to push the most important ones away and my mom has to make sure I don’t do that I can’t lose my boyfriend if I do I don’t know what I would do he is the best thing that has ever happened to me I’m just go panic about panicking about having anxiety and getting help for it what is worng with me I’m drive myself crazy why is my anxiety so bad it’s never been so bad o have had over five attacks in less then a week why can’t I just be normal and if I can’t be normal why don’t god call me home and take me out of this world.

I hate this feeling

I can’t take this my anxiety is making me go crazy it making feel like I’m better off dead or better off alone and to shut down I’m trying to fight it the best I can but it’s so hard right now like it’s going to cause me to push things away people away I don’t know how much more I can take I’m going to see about getting on some meds but right now I just want to sleep and turn my phone off but at same time I’m trying not to do that because if I do that be giving anxity the chance of winning and I don’t want to do that I want these thoughts to go away I don’t want to push people away I really don’t but sometimes I wish I was normal why did I have to be born why did I have to get anxity and why do I feel in the way I came so close to telling my boyfriend that he can leave me and that I’m sorry for being in his way I need to go talk to my therapist but she won’t be back until January and she set me up with this other lady and IDK if I can open up to her I just don’t know anymore I really need my vape but it’s broke and I don’t want to keep smoking cigarettes but I need something to stop these thoughts

I’m giving up

All these years saying I get over it it pass I don’t need help. I give up anxity you won you won this fight. Anxity thanks to you I can’t go out to eat with out panic I can’t eat with out worry. Anxity I thought I was doing good over coming you but really I think it’ just getting worse the crying the panicking I can’t do this I hope your happy anxiety I’m go get on meds something I never wanted to do I wanted to fight this and keep talking to the lady but I can’t take this so it’s time to just let the drs drug me more drug me more so I’m just numb where I don’t have any feeling I mean why do I need to feel anyway let me just go get on meds and get where I don’t know how to live without them I mean isn’t that the way anyway